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          1. 歡迎來到華中雜文網!
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            難以忍受的愛

            2015-01-13 14:36:20作者:鄢烈山打印訂閱
            [導讀]案頭的一份文摘刊物上有則小故事,說的是加拿大渥太華有九兄妹,幼遭變故,母棄父亡,而自立自強,贏得了世人的敬重。我感興趣的是這一段:他們同胞之情殊深,然亦有吵架之時。

            案頭的一份文摘刊物上有則小故事,說的是加拿大渥太華有九兄妹,幼遭變故,母棄父亡,而自立自強,贏得了世人的敬重。我感興趣的是這一段:他們同胞之情殊深,然亦有吵架之時。其中之一抱怨過:“當我兄弟對我男友說,一定要早些送我回家,別對我毛手毛腳,那時我真想宰了他們!”

              可以想象她當時對同胞兄弟緊咬玉牙、圓睜杏眼、倒豎蛾眉的一副兇相。她干嗎那么切齒痛恨自己的兄弟?難道他們不是出于誠摯的骨肉情誼,懷著一片深切的關懷,無微不至地在保護著她嗎?他們是怕她受人欺負,怕她被人蒙騙呀!她不可能不明白兄弟們的動機是純正的,心地是至善的,話語中飽含著對她的關愛。然而,她還是“真想宰了他們”!這是因為她覺得兄弟的關愛中包含了對她的不信任,對她的權利侵犯:不信任她的男友,即是對她的擇友能力、對她的自制能力的不信任,并企圖干涉她的個人生活。這是一種難以接受的愛。

              中國的女孩子大約還沒有這么強的“個人權利”意識,像那樣的囑咐一般是不會覺得逆耳的。但這并不等于說,中國的女孩子對父母兄弟的愛都是囫圇受納的。《牡丹亭》中的夫人無疑是愛自己的獨女杜麗娘的,一心想把她培育成為一個符合大家閨秀身分的“貞女”,連那“姹紫嫣紅開遍”的后花園也不讓她游玩,寧肯將良辰美景“都付與斷井頹垣”。然而,這只能引起杜麗娘的怨恨:“恁般景致,我老爺和奶奶再()不提起,錦屏人忒看的這韶光賤!”中國古代還有很多父母嫌貧愛富而悔婚、小姐殉情而死或鐘情受磨的故事。這樣的父母絕大多數也是出于對女兒的愛護,生怕她跟著窮小子吃苦遭災。但這樣的父母之愛往往釀成悲劇。

              這種難以忍受的愛不僅表現在擇偶問題上,也表現在家庭生活的其他方面。比如擇業,有些父母不尊重子女的選擇,硬要強迫子女報考什么專業,在哪個地方上學、分配到什么地方。這樣的父母往往是特別寵愛子女的,希望子女工作優越或輕松,能留在自己身邊以便經常得到照顧。有獨立性格和遠大志向的子女會強烈地感覺到這種愛其實與鎖鏈相差無幾。這使我想起英國詩人拜倫的話:“對于看起來顯得好像是專制的東西,即使歡樂也會變得幾乎像痛苦一樣。”專制的愛,是不堪忍受的!即便是對未成年的需要監護的孩子,也不能頤指氣使,不能專橫武斷,不能只要求“由之”而不使“知之”;愛,需要尊重,需要信任,需要耐心。至于那些只有專制而沒有愛的“愛”,即借口關心愛護,其實不過是為了維護家長的權威地位,為了維護自己那套不適時宜的老觀念的“愛”,更是令人痛恨的偽善。

              我想,每一個做家長或“準家長”的人都應該反思一下,自己所給予的愛,對方是否樂于接受和能夠接受,不要自欺欺人,傷了親人情意。

             

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